Written between 2:04 p.m. and 4:21 p.m. on August 19, 2011 by Justin M..
903 N 2nd St Philadelphia, PA 19123 (215) 627-1393
Category: Pizza Neighborhood: Northern Liberties
Rustica is simply the best goddmn place any second on this planet. I just ate a goddmn buffalo chicken sicilian jigger for only $3, which is without a doubt the best pound-for-pound dollar-for-dollar thing to eat anywhere on this terrible website. It made me so fcking happy I decided to sign up for this embarrassingly stupid website. It made me feel like I could be happy every second of every day just from once eating this thing that only cost $3; I was there all by myself, eating, and I just burst out laughing like a maniac. If you don’t go here every goddmn day you are a maniac. A little girl was pointing up at the sign that says Rustica above the front door saying to her mommy how she liked it and I told her that I was the one who designed it, and I was! That’s how happy this place makes me every godd*mn day.
1210 Frankford Ave Philadelphia, PA 19125 (215) 634-3338
This place is so bad that to me the core of the consumer experience is that I would never even think about going to this place unless I was really thirsty/hypnotized, which I might be one day, but not today or ever right now. Judging by the fashion of the people who go here and the quality of the storefront—which I designed, by the way, today, in Photoshop, to make it less intolerably offensively poorly-designed—this place is overpriced, boring, and induces severe anxiety/fear for the nature/future of humanity.
951 Frankford Ave Philadelphia, PA 19125
Category: Dance Clubs
This is the best bar and DJ house any f*cking minute of my life, any hemisphere since the Golden Age of ancient Greek civilization; I will recount everything that ever happened here to explain how good it is. Once when I was in college in 2004 I didn’t know places/things, I went there and felt it was exotic/scary/tattoos so then I got tattoos. I did not have intimacy that night (a morally dubious thing to say but this is the core of the consumer experience at this establishment, what the yelp guidelines ask for). Sometime after that I once danced with a girl for 60 minutes on/off and it seemed clear that we liked each other and I almost had intimacy that night but we only kissed, which is not intimacy but rather is typically perceived to be a clarion call for an intimacy that is imminently on the horizon so to speak. Then I remember I went back years later after I had found myself and I just immediately felt at home in this safe haven that now features two different barbaries, one for foodies and people who don’t like to pay covers (upstairs/barbarella), one for people who like to pay 3-5 dollars 2-7 nights per week to get photographed by facebook (downstairs/barbary regular). That one night after I had found myself already and was really at home here, that night I had intimacy. Some people think its awkward when you see someone at the barbary after you only had one intimacy with them after the barbary but I don’t think it is. I think at some places it might be like that but it never is for me at the barbary. A new room on top of the upstairs was just released, this is mysterious/will probably go there soon, you should too. Think that probably there is a nuclear-bomb-shelter in the basement where the owner/employees/photographers/DJs/most-photographe d-people will go if there is ever nuclear war and they will keep an “underground” facebook that holds all the photography archives to be released after the war to kind of like “repopulate” the scene for the third barbary because, as some reviewers have already mentioned, the barbary is currently on its second life.
435 Spring Garden St Philadelphia, PA 19123 (215) 592-8838
I honestly think what happened here was it used to be cool among white hipsters on Thursday nights when they played 90s hip-hop and then many black people and bro’s started going and now it is not cool among white hipsters. I’m willing to be corrected if this is not a fair description of this establishment’s evolution, but this is honestly what I remember observing as a decently well-educated roughly socially-aware member of the white hipster community. I don’t think any of my friends / anyone in my dating pool really goes here anymore and like, nothing else cool or interesting I know of really happens here, so the core of my consumer experience here is that it is irrelevant to my life at this point in time.
People thought this was:
1919 E Passyunk Ave Philadelphia, PA 19176 (215) 551-2243
Has dance party called Banana Chips, this fake Mexican restaurant for white people who prefer white people to eating so much really good/cheap Mexican food nearby. Feel like they have parlor games like foosball which I’ve played before and it was fun. They have so many TVs it’s completely godd*mn bonkers no wonder people go upstairs and pay to get into Banana Chips, which I feel like is comparable to Sorted (@ Barbary) in terms of quality/attractiveness/fashion of patrons, but is probably dumber/worse, although I’ve never gone to it. To make this review even more confusing but honest, I feel like they have hosted 8-75 hardcore music shows before. Like, wtf is this place?
1026 Spring Garden St Philadelphia, PA 19123 (215) 232-2100
Category: Music Venues Neighborhoods: Spring Garden, Callowhill
First to Review Was good as a spaghetti warehouse then it became the worst venue ever considering it’s never even had one goddmn show. R5 really botched the job on this one: I went here a week ago to get spaghetti under really fcking bright lights while listening to shtty radio pop music blasted in my dingus ears all fcking night but it was closed because R5 bought it and R5 don’t know sht about spaghetti or warehouses. So I went back a week later to see a R5 show cuz it beats the sht out of radio pop blasting in your face while you’re trying to eat Pop’s Lasagna or whatever the godd*mn dish was called (RIP) but, lo and behold, no shows have ever been put on here so my first thought was that this place blows, gets one star, I’m hungry, break my life into pieces, this my last resort, yelp!, etc.
But then I read an exceptional piece of contemporary journalism in the Philadelphia Weekly, which I wish I could review on here but I can’t, and I learned that Union Transfer is the godd*amn best thing to ever happen to music in Philadelphia or anywhere else in the whole scheme of human history other than Bookspace. So the core of my consumer experience started off weak/terrible but is now and into the future just nothing short of Tiger Woods golf-quality, which is to say damn near perfect except when it sucks which is rare.
People thought this was:
1126 S 9th St Philadelphia, PA 19147 (267) 761-9154
A failed diner that found success through a very clever change of business plan: hiring freelance hipsters to turn it into a local hipster bar and it largely succeeded with flying colors and now it makes mad bank probably and vegan cheesesteaks and “tots.” They very wisely hired the (cool, nice) kinda older hip dude who bartends (or used to bartend, idk) at Bob and Barbara’s and Ray’s and now attractive young people are in there all the time and it’s fantastic. Very generous happy hour, impossible to talk/hear your friends any time of any night given that DJs are fcking bombarding your ears, nice outdoor seating with heaters, and if you get really drunk there and get tired of having your ears destroyed and you feel like an idiot for eating so much seitan you can walk two doors down and do kareoke at Connie’s Ric Rac or just go home on Facebook because the internet is honestly, seriously the best place to express yourself ever invented, like it makes Guttenberg look like a fcking piece of child. Feel like the older hip dude they hired should inherit the place when Teri, like, quits or whatever. Feel like he “did all the work,” and is totally completely responsible for the success of that place. Feel like hipsters are exploited by older people who just use hipsters for their ability to draw crowds and all the profits go to f*cking normies you would never even think about dancing/kissing/intimacy with if they ever actually went to the place you go to and yet you are willing to essentially pour money down their pants, like seriously wtf is wrong with us are we idiots or just drunk / love karaoke too much. But aside from their structural role in the exploitation of hipsters for profit, the owners/manager people are pretty nice cool/too and the older hip dude who is responsible for all the success is cool so this place is great all around.
Murphy, Justin. 2011. "An inspired consumer reviews the city of Philadelphia on Yelp.com," http://jmrphy.net/blog/2011/08/21/9204475400/ (April 17, 2017).